Bucket load of hope

For some reason, my blog posts have been getting fewer and farther apart. I’ve noticed for a few weeks that I didn’t feel as motivated as I was about updating the blog but I didn’t think much of it. One of my good friends was checking up on me last week when she asked about the blog. I told her I hadn’t updated it in a while and she encouraged me to. It’s funny how little nudges like that can make all the difference. I woke up this morning feeling excited about writing a post today. I have no idea what direction this is going to take so bear with me 🙂

So much has happened since my last update two months ago. I celebrated my daughter’s first birthday and that was the happiest I had been in a long time. We had about 50 adults and kids at her party. Most of the people we invited were friends we’ve made in the last year since moved to Canada. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and realized how blessed we are to be surrounded by such incredible people. My sister flew a few thousand miles to celebrate with us and my Mother in law was also here. In addition to these, I couldn’t believe how many people sent their love and gifts from all over the world. One thing was clear by the end of her party, Tara was one loved little girl! It warmed my heart to know no matter what happens, I can count on the love and support of so many people for my little girl.

A week after my daughter’s birthday, I started work as a Project Manager in an Engineering company. I was both excited and nervous in the days leading up to my resumption. I continued to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. My husband’s support had never wavered and this time was no exception. He reminded me of all the reasons I wanted to go back to work and assured me I could turn down the offer at any point if I didn’t feel up to it.

It’s been a month since I started work and I’m convinced I made the right decision going back to work. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a bit stressful especially the drive to and from work mainly due to traffic. And there’s the whole trying to get to grasp with the specifics of the company; I listen to discussions about servers, chassis, thermal conductivity, burst pressure etc. all day. I can assure you, it totally keeps thoughts of cancer at bay! I’m grateful for the opportunity to be able to continue building my career in spite of cancer. The stress of work took a toll on me last week and I had to take a couple of days off work. But I’m fine now and pressing ahead.

I got a bit of an upsetting news last week. I went for my third goserelin injection and as my oncologist was running late, I got to see another doctor who works with him. I’d been having a really bad chest pain all week and thought to mention it to her. She alluded to the results of the bone scan showing possible metastasis to the chest wall. This was news to me as I was only aware of metastasis to the spine and pelvis. She gave me a copy of the bone scan and it showed metastasis to a few more parts than I was told by oncologist. To say I was distraught would be an understatement, I could’t grasp why my oncologist didn’t deem it fit to discuss the results of the bone scan I had in May with me! I’ve been through all sort of emotions but at the moment, I am not going to dwell too much on this news as it doesn’t change anything. I will make it clear to my oncologist at my next appointment that I need him to be completely open with me. I try to go to my appointments with my big girl pants and I don’t need him protecting me or giving me partial information. My next appointment with him isn’t till the last week in October so I am trying not to focus on my disappointment in the mean time.

I have been lucky to come across a few stories in the last few days that have lifted my spirit. I’ve read about people living with metastatic breast cancer for 5-35 years post diagnosis! 35 years is the most I’ve heard/read about and now I am convinced I’m going to be here for many decades to come. Cheers to that! 🙂

I listened to a sermon by Joel Osteen and he suggested getting a physical reminder of what you are hoping for so that you are constantly reminded every time you see this. I’m thinking of getting an outfit for my 40th birthday! I know it might sound crazy planning for a birthday that is 8 years away but that’s the exact intention. I’m going to hang this dress in my closet and remind myself every morning and night about my desire to be here for at least the next 8 years. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to live for way more than 40 but I want to set my goal in phases so that I can celebrate meeting and surpassing each goal. Wish me luck finding the perfect dress!

I’ve got so much hope and I’m going to keep holding on to this. On that note, I will end my post with the following quote by Laini Taylor:

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.

My hope for today is for life; life more abundantly 🙂

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