There are some days I have a pretty good idea what I want to write about and then there are other days like today when I have so many thoughts running riot through my mind but there I can’t articulate them into a logical flow or sequence so I am just going to dump them on this page and hope they make some sense.
Not sure how many more times I can say “I’ve had a rough few days” or whatever but I feel like the last week or so has been one of those times again. What scares me even more is that these ‘rough’ times are becoming more and more frequent. It’s interesting because nothing huge has happened in the cancer world (if we don’t count the pleural mets and last treatment not working) but yet, I feel like I keep getting whacked in the face by all sorts of things. I hate to say this but I am at the point where I feel so so tired and just deflated.
I haven’t left the house all week, I decided on Monday that I needed a break from work and whilst I don’t know what the ultimate plan is, my office have been great and they have offered to support me in whatever way I want. I don’t know if the break from work would be for a week, a month or forever but I don’t want to be bogged down by that decision just yet. I need a break, I am taking a break and that’s all I am willing to think about for now.
Quick update on what brought on the decision to take a break from work. Recall the chest pain aka blood clot that took me back to the hospital last week? It slowly started to get better on Wednesday last week and I was able to go to work on Thursday and Friday. Saturday morning started as usual except that by 10am, I was in excruciating pain. I feel the word pain is one of those we gloss over sometimes without really given much thought to – I do this all the time. However, the pain I felt on Saturday was on another level, I was pretty certain my chest was going to explode or something. We drained some of the fluid, I took so many pain meds, I sat in the hot shower for a couple of hours in tears but that was mostly cos I had no idea what else to do. I eventually took some sleep aids and managed to pass out in spite of the pain. I woke up feeling a bit better and even managed to socialize with some of our amazing friends that brought some yummy home made food complete with dessert over.
Fast forward to Monday morning and I was half dressed for work when the pain kicked in again. I knew at that point that there was no way I could make it into work so I called our HR lady to give her the heads up. Next mission was to find the cause of this ‘new’ crazy chest pain. We went down the route of more fluid draining, more pain meds before my oncologist finally got to the bottom of the issue; the new drugs were irritating or causing a reaction in my pleural and it was probably getting inflamed hence all the pain. He advised that I took a break from the chemo meds immediately and he faxed a prescription for Dexamethasone (steroids) which he was positive would help with the pain. His recommendation worked like magic and I was pain free by the time I woke up on Tuesday morning.
I had made the decision to take a break from work and I believe it is the right thing to do, I need to focus on my health at this point. As great as taking the time off has been, it has left me with so much time to think about what is happening in my body. To cry about walking down this incredibly lonely, exhausting and painful path called stage IV. I miss my life before cancer although it’s getting harder and harder remembering what that was like. I have been feeling a lot of fatigue that makes simple tasks like getting out of bed so difficult. I have no idea what’s causing the fatigue but I can’t wait to regain some strength again. I was watching my Mum washing up some dishes earlier and I marvelled at her strength. I am pretty much jealous of the strength of an almost 67 year old woman – and all she was doing was just standing and doing dishes! I want my life back and I want to get off this road I’m travelling. I want to feel well for a considerable length of timeI and I am tired of being strong or amazing or anything I am perceived to be. I am not those things, I am literally just putting one leg in front of the other and trying to make sense of this hand I have been dealt.
I am always so comfortable by the fact that I have a lot of people praying for me. I know there are days I have a lot more questions than answer and there are days I don’t even have the energy to pray for myself. Today is one of those days and I hope all my loved ones would say a prayer for me tonight. I need strength, a lot of strength and I need a break. I need a few days or weeks or even months of feeling well. Please say a prayer for me tonight, that is all I ask because I am running low and a top-up would be great!