You see, life hasn’t always been great to me. I went through most of my childhood wishing I could escape my life and be adopted by another family. I knew this was unlikely to happen and chose to escape difficult times by dreaming about my future and fine-tuning my requirements for my future husband. By the time I was old enough to move out of my house, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted in a man and what I didn’t. I made up my mind that I wouldn’t settle for anything less because even more important than me marrying an amazing man would be marrying a man that would be the best Dad he could be to our future kid(s).
When I got diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, I hurt more at the possibility of not having the life I had dreamed off; the life that was so vivid in my imaginations – the one I escaped to several times a day for over 18 years. In all honesty, the thought of losing the dream I had for my future hurt more than the cancer diagnosis itself.
Starting treatment the first time around was tough. As a newly turned 27 year old woman, I had to made decisions about surgeries, gene testing, having chemo and potentially losing the ability to have kids or finding a husband that would love me for who I am and for what my life had become. I feared that the dreams I held on to for all those years was going to remain just that, dreams!
But God works differently than we do, he had better plans for me. Within months of finishing my treatments and whilst concluding my Masters degree, an old friend and I reconnected and it was a match made in heaven. He was everything I’d prayed for and a million more. He loved and cared for me in a way no one else had done in the 27 years I lived before I met him or could have done in the years ahead if I hadn’t met him. He was the only man for me and undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Starting a relationship with him was the best decision I could ever make. He loved me, took care of me and did super mushy things like ordering an umbrella for me online because I was chatting with him on my way from work and I mentioned it was drizzling. Or how he would bring dishes and dishes of food for me all the way from Scotland cos he knew how crappy I was with my eating habits. He loved me in a way I didn’t think was humanly possible and he thought me to believe in myself again. In spite of my scars – both mentally and physically, he never stopped telling me how beautiful I was and how proud he was that I graduated with a Distinction in my masters degree whilst undergoing cancer treatments.
Life got even better when we got married, conceived our daughter (best miracle yet!), moved to Calgary and bought a beautiful home. I was finally in a good place in my life. I was done mourning the things I’d lost to cancer, I was ready to move on with my life with all the amazing blessings in it. For the first time in a long time, I couldn’t stop talking about how much I loved my life. I would tell my hubby time and time again about how much I loved our life and how incredibly happy and fortunate we are to have the love and support of many family and friends in our lives.
I remember that feeling in April 2015 when my oncologist said the cancer was back and that this time, it was terminal. I heard a shatter – the shatter of my dreams falling to pieces. Everyday since then has been a challenge. This year however, has been the hardest on both my husband and I – emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally . I still try to find humour in things, dance like no way is watching, talk my husband’s and possibly everyone’s ears off when I’m feeling well enough. I have also cried and become a lot scared for my life and future like I’ve never been.
I had an appointment on Thursday and it went great. Chemo is still working and things are stable for the most part. The mass in the liver has even shrunken further. We were very happy and relieved at the news and we pray for many more like it for many many more years and possibly even decades if I dare to dream.
I’m laid in bed thinking about how much I loved my life until crazy stupid stage IV cancer showed up to a party it wasn’t invited to and decided to take up residence – you suck cancer!!!
I don’t care about how cancer has derailed our lives and plans, what I care about is that I’m alive, I love this life I’ve got and cancer isn’t going to kill our happiness. I love this life, I don’t want to suffer in it anymore and I wish above all else that the odds will be in my favour (which would in turn be in the favour of everyone I love and cherish) in 2017 and the many decades to come! I am hopeful for 2017 and I pray it would be a much better year than 2016.
To all my friends and family whose love and support has meant the world to me, we love you from the depths of our hearts and we wish you and your family an amazing 2017!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance! Happy Holidays!!!!