The last 72 hours have been nothing short of crazy. The culmination of physical pain, fear, faith and hope got to an all time high and I was an emotional wreck.
Waiting on an empty tummy didn’t particularly help and I was sooo ready for the surgery to be over with by the time they came for me at 8pm. I knew having a chat about end of life options was inevitable given of much my left lung collapse had increased my risks for going under general anesthesia. However, the conversation was an unbearably difficult one to have. I had to make a decision on what I wanted to do in a case where I couldn’t be revived after the surgery;
would I want to be placed on life support, ' If yes, for how long’ etc.
Trust me, this is not a conversation you ever want to have but having it at 34 years old was particularly excruciating. I looked at my husband and I knew I had to do what I felt was right for both of us – the burden to decide on what I thought was right was the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far. I pray never to be in that position again and I pray none of you find yourselves in that place. There’s an argument for making these decisions before you need them, there’s something less threatening when you sign a document with the view to ticking off an item under your “fulfilling all due diligence” “list. However, it gets a million times Scarier nowing the document could literally be invoked in a number of hours – that was the bit that broke my tiny heart into a million tiny pieces.
Once the hard discussions were out of the way, I was wheeled into the operating room which shined brightly like of those rooms in the TV operating rooms. Only slight difference was that the bright room and shiny instruments were all laid out for me!
All the medical personnel on call where beyond nice and did their best to get me to relax and reassure me that they would do their best to revive me after the surgery. Next was the bit where I was asked to let my mind drift to my happy place. I barely decided on an happy place before I was completely out of it.
I would later find out that the surgery went superbly well and that the surgeon was able to get all the soft tissue tumour out. He thinks having a few rounds of radiotherapy would help in killing whatever stray microscopic cancel cells were left behind from the surgery.
I became aware of my surroundings again at about 2am. I felt my husband’s hands in mine and his relief was palpable! He told me the surgeon was pretty happy with the surgery and that sounded like music to my ears.
I was in a lot of pain although very different to the radiating pain prior to the surgery. This time, the pain was localized and felt more sore and as to be expected from a spinal surgery – I’d take that!
Hubby left to get some much needed rest and I tried to get some rest. Didn’t get much rest as the pain didn’t seize long enough for me to get a shut eye.
It’s been about 24 hours since the surgery and I’m filled with so gratitude. Gratitude to have access to the level of care and treatment I received. Gratitude got the amazing angel I get to share this life journey with. Gratitude for the blessing called our beautiful daughter. Gratitude for all the amazing friends and family we are surrounded by – we appreciate every single one of you and your show of love, support, gift, prayers, words of encouragement, flowers, foods, calls etc haven’t gone unnoticed.
If I could choose again, I definitely would not choose to walk this path but having you all in my life have been the biggest blessings of my life and for this, I’m eternally grateful.
P.S. I’m not sure how the write up made any sense to anymore! Think I was a lot groggier than I thought I was. I’ve made dinner changes but feel free to ignore spelling or any other types of errors – let’s blame it on pain Meds!